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February 13, 2010

Yesterday I sat at my computer from 8:30 – 12:20, my designated writing time for Fridays, and I was very busy. But not one word was written that had anything to do with Mary and Mary (my new book). Why is this? I left the house feeling dispirited and angry at myself: What is wrong with me? How do I expect to finish this book by August if I fritter away my time like this? What exactly was I doing?

When I arrived at physical therapy and complained about myself, my stern physical therapist, said Discipline, Charlotte, what you need is more discipline.

I have plenty of discipline, I said, All I do is work.

She does yoga etc. Compulsive, she said. that’s what you are. Self awareness takes discipline.

Translated this means: if I had been self aware yesterday I would have given up the writing, or lack thereof, and gone and read books I wanted to read or done Something Else rather than fiddling around at my computer. But that would have meant accepting that for whatever reason I was too tired to get Mary off that bridge and into the Thames and out of it again and on into the the last eighteen months of her life. I hate accepting things like that.
I’m tired today, but I’m determined to have her make the plunge.

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